The team at ENLIGHTENED would never condone going against the rules and regulations of your local movie theater. That being said, here are five foolproof methods for sneaking your Movie Night pint into the next summer blockbuster:
Popcorn Piñata: Hire the best local piñata maker money can buy to construct a cunning papier-mâché replica of a medium popcorn. Once you’ve waltzed past security, crack open that decoy and enjoy the sweet creamy payload within! (NOTE: To avoid suspicion, make sure to loudly state, “Here I go into the theater with real popcorn that I bought and paid for at the concession stand!”)
The “Honest” Abe: Four score and seven years ago, President Abraham Lincoln invented one of history’s greatest ice cream concealment tools—the stovepipe hat. Scoop in the dry ice and put that pint on your head with pride! (NOTE: The beard is optional.)
Mind Games: Despite the elite training that movie theater employees receive, most remain vulnerable to psychological manipulation. When asked what you’ve got in your bag, roll your eyes and reply, “Obviously I’m smuggling a pint of ENLIGHTENED Movie Night.” Go grab one of those aisle seats you like, and treat yourself to an extra scoop, you master of double-reverse sarcasm, you. (NOTE: Best not to try this approach if the movie being shown is Inception.)
Cargo Shorts: Not just a fashion statement, cargo shorts also feature a seemingly limitless supply of pockets ideal for the haute couture pint smuggler. You know that fancy lunchbox you told yourself you’d bring to work instead of ordering food every day? Rip out the lining and sew it into the pocket of your choice. Your pint will keep its cool, and so will you! (NOTE: An insulated pocket is perfect for hot treats, too, so feel free to ladle in some piping-hot clam chowder in chilly weather— just don’t forget the oyster crackers!)
The Saint Bernard Swindle: Who can forget the majestic sight of a Saint Bernard rescuing an avalanche victim, a keg of brandy tied around its neck? Simply borrow one of these pups from your local kennel and swap out the hard liquor for a soft and creamy pint. You’re ready to emBARK! (NOTE: Not every theater permits dogs, so consider bringing along some “avalanche victims” to back up your claim.)
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